Grace, I’ve been isolating myself from you and the rest of the world. But I know I didn’t need to tell you that, you already knew. I didn’t realize it until the holidays; I’ve been depressed, really depressed. Not the kind of depressed where I’ve been before—not eating and losing weight—instead I’ve been emotionally eating and gaining weight.
I think it started when Adam microwaved my MacBook. The thought of him doing that to hurt me appeared to trigger many more emotions than I had been addressing regarding the divorce. Simply put, my life is changing in so many ways than I can’t catch up. My journey isn’t a straight path.
Along the way, I’ve had many ups and downs and I don’t mean just in my everyday situations, marriage, motherhood and divorce. My weight is going up and down and now up, up and away it goes. I looked at myself in the mirror while trying to find something that fit me on Christmas Eve and I was horrified. Distraught at how I have changed in my appearance, I decided to change my attitude in the new year, get back on the right track and get a handle on MY life and not let anyone or anything take over.
Welcome back, Eve. I really missed you. Every day I patiently hoped that you would turn around and come home to the place where love’s embrace was waiting to hold you during this painful situation. Though never giving up, I offered you the space and freedom you needed to discover and choose your path. During this time, even though I was silent, I was never far away. When you took a different path, I was still there ready to assist or guide you, if or when you decided to look my way. But it doesn’t matter now since you are here, back home where you belong. Take my hand, I’ll help you to renew and re-engage in life–a new life.
Your depression really took a toll on you. There were a lot of feelings that you were experiencing at one time, feelings that were not too pleasant so what better way to avoid the pain than to suppress them by eating. You were losing so much at one time so maybe the weight was a way for you to feel like you were gaining something.
Now that you are waking up to “what is” (the present moment), you are ready to reclaim yourself. To do this, I want you to look in the mirror and love the woman you see, regardless of the weight. You are still beautiful. Look into her eyes. Do you see the pain she went through? She needs you to care for her. Don’t run away or dismiss her because she looks different on the outside. Look deep into her soul. She is there waiting to be loved by you, not Adam or anyone else. Think of how you can love her.
What does she need physically? Is it the need to move, to walk, to pamper herself or even to simply dance? (Salsa anyone?) What about a new hairstyle, or even new makeup? Is there a color she can add every day that will brighten the gray that surrounds her?
What about emotionally, what support does she need right now? Who are the people in her life that will lift her spirits and not judge or tell her what she did right or wrong and let her just “be”? Who are her friends or family that can provide a safe place for her to experience all her feelings?
What can we do to free her from her mental state of depression? Does she know that no one has sentenced her to live in this prison? Though she feels paralyzed, let us slowly help her experience the joys of life by practicing gratitude in the present moment. Gratitude is one of life’s most powerful healing remedies to experiencing wholeness. So what is she grateful for? It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. In fact, the simple pleasures in life are what bring us true joy and peace of mind.
And what is her soul spiritually hungry for or maybe I should ask what does your soul want you to let go of? The irony about the soul is that in losing something in life, where you don’t have any control, leads you to finding a new and better life. Holding on to the past, your pain, your old habits or substituting it with food, sex, shopping, etc., leaves you alone and with a greater sense of emptiness that hurts more than the actual pain. Are you ready to let go completely so you can receive new love, hope and joy?
Well, the place to start is creating space to listen to her. She has a lot of wisdom and has the key to work through the depression that will lead you to new life. Are you going to schedule her in and make her a priority? You have nothing to lose and a whole lot of self-worth to gain. Now that is the type of gain you’re looking for. Let’s do it, Eve. Let’s indulge and take you home.