I smiled and feigned excitement when I heard Jonathan took a few steps. Secretly, I was crying inside. And when my nanny left, I cried uncontrollably. I hated not being present for my son’s major milestones. It wasn’t fair. I was his mother and I should’ve been there to see everything. Everything. Why did I have to go to work? Why did I have to be the breadwinner? I had such a huge financial responsibility on my shoulders that I couldn’t just let go of. Adam depended on me and so did Jonathan.
So I sucked it up like many things in my marriage. If I was going to be working and leaving my son with our nanny, I needed to quickly change my perspective. I realized she was working with me and this was the nature of the beast–I would not see the beauty of life developing before my eyes because I had to go to work. After all, I was truly lucky to have found her and she shared everything with me. She logged everything Jonathan ate, drank and at what times. She even wrote how many times she changed his wet diaper and not so wet diaper. She told me what they did during the day to have fun and what time he took his naps. In some ways, as she shared with me their day, I felt a slight part of it.
I came across one of those log books the other day and just smiled. She brought me comfort in knowing that she was really caring for him just as I would. I considered her his second mom since she spent so much time with him, more than I did in his waking hours. Crying. God was good to us.
If there was something I was quickly learning was to not cry about what I made a choice about. I chose to work and be the breadwinner. I chose to get pregnant and continue working because of our circumstances. I didn’t work with Adam to find a resolution that I was happy with because, at that time, I didn’t know any better.
I think, today, I am learning to communicate my feelings and find resolution to situations so I can be happy. Wouldn’t you say, Grace?
Guiding Lesson: Yes, Eve, I agree with you. What a difference between where you were and where you are today. You are really making great strides in communicating your feelings and are discovering the power of all of them. They really are an invitation to your true self. There is no need to be ashamed of how you feel and what you need. If you don’t express them, who will and how will anyone (including yourself) get to know the true Eve? Remember that the ability to communicate your feelings freely will determine the level of friendship you have with others and yourself.
So when you look back to this time in your life, what would you have done differently? Would you have started by simply allowing your silent tears of sadness, anger and joy emerge and be heard? What a vulnerable and precious moment this would have been.
By the way, do you still believe that if you make your bed you must lie in it? Have you learned that by lying in it and not expressing the truth, your life starts to become a lie? No need to lie in anything. Choose truth. The worst thing that can happen is that your life will have to take a U-turn to place you back on track…back to Grace. You might even get a chance to see the beauty of life unfold like you so desire. Now that’s not so bad, is it?
But the past is the past and I know you will no longer settle for silence. You are becoming courageous and open to exploring your feelings whether good or bad. You no longer dismiss any of them and are finding ways to express versus staying quite to impress, getting you nowhere.
I am so proud of you and your commitment to yourself. Stay faithful, express truth and live freely. Let’s enjoy the ride. Your beloved Grace.