The Six-Months Cycle in Marriage

Relieved to get out of the house, I meet Delilah at the fast food restaurant. Her three children and mine begin playing in the indoor playground.

“What happened?” Delilah says.

I explain in a matter of fact way. I can’t show emotion because I don’t want to cry and frankly, I am still in shock. How can Adam have these indiscretions? I’m in disbelief. I just know I need to change, change what is happening, change my appearance, change. Period.

“Eve, I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?”

“Look at me. How could he possibly want to be with me? I don’t take care of myself. I’m always in a t-shirt and lounging pants. I come home from work and just slip into my pajamas to get comfortable. We don’t go out any more. We don’t go on dates. We don’t have sex. We don’t talk like we used to. What do you do? How do you keep your marriage going?”

“It’s hard. It takes a lot of work. I change things up every six months,” Delilah says.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I change my hair color, my hair style. I buy new lingerie. I wear makeup, dress up even on the weekends, I make sure we go on vacation several times a year, go on dates. When we have sex, I give him blowjobs for a few months, and then I stop and do something different. I keep him wanting me. Then after a few more months, give him a blowjob again.” Delilah cunningly smiles.

My jaw drops. Stop looking shocked. Close your mouth, Eve. Okay, okay, I just don’t know what to say. I always thought of myself as not having to do that because I shouldn’t try to make him want me. I’m married already. It’s like playing a game. He said he didn’t like lingerie. He never cared about makeup. He said he doesn’t like lipstick. I’m so confused.

“You what!?” I blurt out.

“Eve, you just have to keep him interested in you. Marriage is work. It doesn’t come easy and at times, I get frustrated, but I know it’s worth it in the long run. You are a strong, independent and loving woman. Look at you. You carry the family; you hold it up. You are the spine, the foundation of the home. You forgot about you though. You forgot to be a woman. You emasculated him by doing everything yourself and being in control. And even though he isn’t the breadwinner, he still has responsibilities at home. You don’t let him be the man of the house. Do you remember when you moved to your new home you planned all the renovations within a two-week period? You should have asked him to help you or he could have done it himself to make him feel like the man of the house.”

My jaw drops. Stop looking shocked. Close your mouth, Eve. Okay, okay, I just don’t know what to say. And I’m not usually speechless as a publicist. Do I need to begin selling myself? Do I need to begin pitching myself as the perfect wife, the one he doesn’t want to let go of? I am speechless.

“Eve, what do you want to do?”

“I am so going shopping!”

Guiding Lesson: Eve, as your angel it is hard for me to understand the importance women place on having a man. I understand the need for companionship, someone to share your life with and the need to love and be loved.  Does this get put on the side burner so that you can have a man in your life?  Somehow it seems love is being defined by the outer world. What does it mean to have a true companion to share each other’s journey?  What is this based on?  How do you define real?  Who is responsible to keep it alive?  Can one person carry the weight?

I know right now you are in a lot of pain and want to change everything about you. This is so normal and there is a process that will help you emerge stronger if you take the time. Would you like me to share?  I believe you do, so here it is.  Since you are probably questioning if you are lovable as you are after learning about Adam’s indiscretions, it is important to really work on believing with your entire being that YOU ARE LOVEABLE AS YOU!!!  Put up note cards where you can see them, repeat it each day in your mind and live it. You will get to a point that even your doubts believe this!

The goal is to first focus on enhancing and bringing out the beauty within. This is what is your foundation. Learn who you are, what you need and who do you want to be. This is your time to create a masterpiece by bringing out the real you. If you only focused on changing your outer appearance, you will become like “Hollywood” – lots of facades with no real depth plus you will still feel empty.

I also want to substitute the word change for unveiling. This means that you are working to unveil the beloved, magnificent being that is already within you. Then it is time to match the internal you that you have discovered with your external being. Now it gets fun. You get to do this with color, fabric, shape, make-up, perfume, hair color, etc.  I always wish I could try a different shade, but I don’t get a budget for this.  Anyway, if you do this, you will shine so bright that those who are not living in their truth will be blinded.

So what are you waiting for?  The time is now. Go, shop and get prepared for the grand unveiling of YOU!