Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined someone having so much anger for their spouse that they would try to destroy something that mattered so much in their life. Obviously, I’m talking about my computer, Grace. I realize it’s a material object, but what worries me is the symbolism behind destroying something of value that means a great deal and what could be next.
What if he drinks and takes Ambien again? What could be next? Or who could be next? On one hand, I strongly believe Adam would never hurt me. On the other hand, if he was “dreaming” or “sleep walking” as he thought he did when he microwaved my Macbook, what if he does it again? Deep down, I don’t believe Adam would do it. I know he wouldn’t.
He regretted his mistake so much. I could hear it in his voice. I sternly spoke to him, discussing the various situations I could bring up with the attorney to make the divorce much more difficult for him, but I wasn’t going to do it. I know that he truly didn’t mean to hurt me. The following Sunday, we went to the store to buy a new Macbook.
Adam’s action and decisions to behave in this manner really make me reflect on how much entangled we get in relationships. Together, we weave intricate webs that we can’t untangle so we try to tear them apart without realizing the many layers that we have to get passed to leave behind our past.
Guiding Lesson: Eve, microwaving your laptop baffles me as well. But then again, a divorce is like going into an emotional battlefield. This is just as deadly as the combat our troops face in the Middle East today. No knows how to walk a ground filled with mines or when and how the other side will choose to attack. The fact is, in both types of battle, people will be wounded and peace seems like a far distant memory.
As you stated, you and Adam are entangled in many intricate webs that it will take time to unravel. The urge is to cut the ties quickly which it appears like Adam is trying to do. However, some areas of your marriage are filled with unruly knots and will take time to untie. The knot, you and Adam tied, began many years ago on your wedding day so not all of the knots were bad. Your children are part of that. What I would suggest is to focus on the unhealthy emotional ties including the lies, betrayal, lack of support, lack of intimacy, etc. Maybe the goal is to recreate one new web where the children are the center, which is your connection to Adam. Remember, a spider’s web is a work of art and it doesn’t have to be something destructive.
Well, I can at least say that the intensity of divorce will not last forever. Like war, it too will pass. The goal is to have as few casualties as possible as you untie the messy knots. The key to accomplishing this is having at least one person who can think rationally and keep the children’s best interest in mind.
Eve, are you up to challenge because it doesn’t appear that Adam, in his current condition, has the capability to do this right now? I know you are strong and have the intelligence and compassion to create a new type of relationship with Adam. This will also provide healing as you work through this moment. It won’t be easy and as always I’ll be there.