Grace, I made a decision. I realized I was waiting for Adam to be my provider. Investing in his career, I sacrificed my dreams, my wishes, for his. And although I think sacrificing for the time being is fine when there is an agreement that the support will be reciprocated, it wasn’t in my case. I wanted to start my own company and he didn’t encourage me or support me, but rather shut down my thoughts. I ignored that conversation at the time until now. Making my decision is not based on the cheating husband and the infidelity in the marriage.
I went to church on Sunday and heard a song that reminded me that God is my provider. I was listening to the song and it’s like it hit me–He is my provider of all my needs. When the time is right He will find a prince charming for me that will adore me, appreciate me, love me, support my every need and encourage me to fulfill my dreams. I need to remember this along my journey.
The decision to divorce is not an easy one. It is difficult when factoring in children, investment in blood, sweat and tears, comfort level, history, financial, social and heart. Coming to this decision was difficult, but I believe now that I have made it, I will be able to sleep. I have had so many sleepless nights, tossing and turning, thinking a mile a minute. I want peace and I know God can give it to me if I surrender to Him.
I told Adam I wanted a divorce and he asked if there was someone else. I couldn’t believe he asked me that. I said, “Yes. God.” I explained to him what I believed and thanked him for this chapter in my life. He will find someone else too. And I hope that person will be just as loving and supportive as I have been—I would want that for my boys.
I forgive him. I can’t hold a grudge; the negative energy inside my soul is destructive. There is no room for bitterness, grudges, and hatred. I want to bear fruit wherever I sow a seed. And I think my seeds are pretty damn good, Grace. I want a beautiful garden—with daisies, sunflowers, Gerbera daisies–with plants that grow in every direction. Flowers and plants that greet me in the morning with the sun’s rays and say good night with the moonlight. With the warmth of my heart, the tears of my soul and the touch of my hand, my garden will be well tended, loved and cared for. Snakes are not welcomed here.
Guiding Lesson: Eve, I saw how you struggled with making this decision. It was not easy since you tried so hard to see if this could possibly work out. I commend you for waking up and seeing the world around you and believing that God has so much He wants to give you. The road ahead is not known. What I can assure you of is that God and I will be by your side guiding you as you continue to discover more of who you are and more of who God is.
Now as you leave the old world behind, what will you do to prepare your heart and mind to receive something new? It is very easy to say we want a new start, but until the change happens within you, you will continue to attract what you are comfortable with. Here are some ideas to help you.
- Place yourself in new and uncomfortable situations where your mind has to start thinking again.
- Try taking a new route to work or parking in a different spot. This will begin to stimulate your mind.
- Find a good therapist who can help you see patterns and red flags that you need to become aware of so you can break the cycle and won’t wake up in the future in the same place you are today.
- Keep a journal to keep yourself honest with your decisions, emotions and the type of people you allow into your life.
- Evaluate your friendships (including family) using a target image. Those you are closest to and can be intimate and vulnerable with will be placed in the center (the bull’s eye). Those who are friends and you still care about them, but are not part of your core friends, place them in the next area. You will continue moving out until each person is placed in their proper area. Questions you can ask yourself:
- Who are life-giving and who are life-draining?
- Who are the people who will support you and help you create a new tomorrow and how can you increase the friendship? How will you make room for them to enter?
- Are there people in your life that you have outgrown?
- Who might you need to let go and place them in a different part of the circle?
- Are there friends that no longer align with your values and are stuck in their lives? Be careful of these people because they will try to suck you back into an old way of life because they will not be able to handle your light shining so brightly.
- Who are those that are so needy and have remained victims in their lives that take up so much of your time?
- Take care of your body and mind through exercise and eating healthy foods that will provide you energy and keep your mind stimulates.
- Finally, but most importantly, pray in everything you do and in every step you take. If you don’t have time to pray, then how can you tap into all of the graces and blessings God has for you?
And with each item mentioned above, I encourage you to allow prayer to lead you in all of it. God is very interested in all the little things you do and wants to be a part of it all. There is nothing too little that God doesn’t want to be involved because He loves you and anxiously awaits to be asked to walk with you.
Now I will leave you with this poem.
Believe in Your Heart by Stacey Chillemi
I woke up one night in the hours of darkness,
I sat up straight in my bed to find a shimmering light in my closet,
But there where no lights on in the room,
I got up and went slowly toward the closet,
To find a pair of gold wings,
An angel was standing by my side,
“What do I do with these gold wings?” I asked the angel
“Put the wings on my child.” Answered the angel
I put the wings on flew to a place that had many stars,
The angel then appeared and said, “Follow your heart, your goals and your
Only you know what is right for you
Anything is possible
Miracles do come true,
Hope and dreams are a reality if you let them be,
Life can be wonderful if you let it be,
The world is at your feet
Therefore, there is no time waste,
Start flying to the stars,
The bright star in the sky created especially for you,
Therefore, there is no time to lose go find your bright star,
When you find it, open the magic door
Out will come gifts,
Waiting for you to explore,
So believe in your dreams
Follow your heart
Your world can be a happier place as long as you believe.