Grace, you say that love is a choice after the feelings fade. Choosing to love is what couples have control over. I’m having a bit of trouble grasping this concept. I feel like I have loved Adam, continue to love him in spite of what he has done and even then, I’m not sure to what extent the infidelity was. I want to know everything, but I’m not getting any where with him. So to say that love is a choice after the feelings fade is a challenge when you have been betrayed. How does one stay in a marriage with someone that has betrayed oneself and whose feelings may have definitely diminished as a result of the infidelity? How can I choose to love and feel good about myself?
I realize I have children with Adam and to be honest, Jonathan and David keep me in this marriage longer. I also have invested so much of my life to Adam. You can say I put all my eggs in one basket. How can I throw it all away? How can I liquidate my investment? What will I have left?
In an instant everything I have can be gone, and in this very moment, I feel like everything is already gone. I have lost Adam. I have lost my love. And I didn’t have any control of that.
Guiding Lesson: Eve, you ask a very good question. How does one continue to choose love in the midst of betrayal? How can one go on in this type of predicament? It first starts with choosing to love God above all else. He must be your first love. You can place all the eggs in one basket when it comes to God and know that this is the best investment you will ever make.
As you and I know, love is not one sided, it is reciprocal and mutual. So if you have done the above and place God first, it is just as important to allow God to lavish you with his love. This means coming before him with all your warts, failures, hurts, messiness, chaos and see your image reflected in his eyes. If you are able to do this, you will be able to truly love yourself and not fall to the illusions that society claims is acceptable to be loved. This is not easy. This takes daily prayer and commitment. The world around you will constantly try to seduce you into believing that you are less than the amazing work of art to be prized. It will plant false wants and needs in your soul and will cause you to doubt your very truth that the only thing you need is God.
So by loving God, loving yourself, you can then choose love regardless of the outcome. Please know that choosing to love is not tied to happily ever after. Choosing love does not mean you stay in a situation that is a lie or harmful to your spirit and that can damage the spirit of your children. Choosing love is to listen, to be still and to trust in God’s love for you.
I know you did not choose to encounter the sting of betrayal. This can be deadly. If you allow the sting to spread, it can kill your soul, your dreams, and your future. The only thing that can save you is to choose to love yourself by caring and going back to the place where you are safe – God’s arms. In this place, you will find comfort; you will find healing; you will find answers and direction. I promise that strength will rise within you as you wait upon God. He will not fail you. He will not betray you. He will help you see clearly so that you can choose to love, even if it means letting go.
You can still choose love by being kind to Adam while loving yourself and God more that you trust your first love above all else. With this as your foundation, you can face the truth no matter how hard it is. It is time to wake up because you can not choose love if you are not loving yourself enough to live in the truth. It’s time, Eve. It’s time to talk to Adam about the truth.