I went upstairs thinking I was going to sleep and then just became furious. I startled Adam when I woke him up and told him what he was doing was not something I was going to put up with anymore. I have worked hard for everything we have, 12 years of staying with him, aiming to have a home for our children. Funny how things work out–a new home with lifeless people in it. Adam has everything in me, everything anyone would want. I work hard and have put him through medical school. I am raising two boys with him. I maintain the household and manage our livelihood. I have taken on so many of his family issues. And now I’m in this predicament.
I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. I say this as I cry my head out, but it’s only because I am at the point of having everything I want. We have two wonderful, beautiful children. We have two jobs and, in this economy, God has blessed us. We have a new home in a great neighborhood. The only thing missing is a husband who wants to be here, with me. And I am strong for him, yet I can’t carry the mental weight of two persons. I am tired with my own. My head spins out of control with so many dreams and entrepreneurial adventures that are only played out in my mind. And that saddens me.
I have lived 12 years working towards Adam achieving his own dream. Isn’t that how it works? The wife supports the man in his pursuits, even his indiscretions, too. But I am not one of those. I am strong for myself and I know that I will not let a man reduce me to a submissive being just to maintain the lifestyle we have begun. I will not. I will not. I will not.
Eve, Eve, Eve, can you hear me through your tears, your anguish, your pain? I am here, Eve. I have not left you. I feel the incredible burden you have been carrying. When did it become okay for only one person to show up day-in and day-out in a marriage that is supposed to be between two people? When did you disappear to your own soul? Did it make it easier for you to carry the load? He is not the only one who has been caught naked.
Eve, if you look closely, you, too, stand vulnerably naked. Look around. What do you see? I am here to hold you. It’s okay to lean on me for a while. Remember, it is not about being strong right now. It is about being gentle, kind and loving towards yourself. Hey, do you remember that blanket your grandmother gave you and how it comforted you when you wrapped it around yourself? Maybe it is a good time to find it and let it do its magic. We’ll get through this together. I promise.
Thank you for describing this so genuinely. I am in this place in my life right now and am constantly going through the same self talk/cry you describe. I look forward to reading more.