“Jonathan, David, come here, please,” I said. “Daddy and I want to tell you something.”
Jonathan sat down on the couch, bending his knees to his chest and hugging them. While David sat on Adam’s lap. Grace, today is the most challenging day of my life. I am heartbroken telling Jonathan and David about the divorce.
“We love you boys very much. You know that, right?” Adam said.
The boys said, “yes” and nodded simultaneously.
“Sometimes mommies and daddies don’t love each other forever,” Adam said. “Mommy and I are not going to live together anymore.”
They looked baffled.
“You know what Angels, I want you to know that your daddy and I love you so much. We are so blessed that God gave us each other so we can have you,” I said. “It’s just that sometimes things happen and you fall out of love and you decide what is best for everyone is to not live together.”
Jonathan burst out crying and exclaimed, “No!” His outburst stunned David so then he began to cry and then Adam began to cry. Grace, be with me right now. I’m trying to be strong for the boys to show them we have it together, in control and everything is going to be okay. I looked at Adam and slightly shook my head sideways as to suggest he stop crying. He looked at me wiped his tears and told the boys everything is going to be okay.
I took Jonathan in my arms and said, “We love you and your brother so much. Don’t ever forget this. As adults, we can’t live together anymore, but we will always be a family. Do you hear me, Jonathan? You will always have a mom and dad that love you no matter what happens.”
“And guess what?” I said. “You and your brother get to have two homes, two beds, two sets of toys. Oh my goodness, can you believe that? Two of everything.”
Adam chimed in, “No way! Isn’t that cool, guys?”
After a few more minutes, Jonathan wiped his tears away from his cheeks and asked to watch a Disney movie. Then he said, “Can I have Lego Bionicles and Star Wars at both homes?” We both smiled and said, “Of course.”
Grace, although Jonathan understood we were not going to live together anymore and he was going to have two of everything, I’m still curious about what his perception will be of the entire divorce process. I know I will need to monitor his behavior, actions, playtime, and words. David continued to sit on his dad’s lap after Adam played the movie for them.
I excused myself to the restroom and just quietly sat down and I began to sob.
Guiding Lesson: Eve, I was with you and your family the entire time. I can feel the deep overwhelming pain and sadness that is in the room. It is heavy and very real and there are no words to comfort the soul. However, please know that grace is just as much real as the hurt and tears are. Grace will not leave you and will be present through all of this for your entire family.
To begin helping you, I will provide you with resources on Facebook and Twitter. It will be important to understand what is happening within you and within your children. They will handle this divorce the way you and Adam do. They will look to both of you to help them recreate a new normal way of life. You have a choice to not allow the tears to drip down your face and your children’s cheeks in vain. Yes, these are moments of great pain, but they are also moments of great transformation and growth for everyone.
I would like you to also focus on listening and paying attention to your children. They will be your greatest teachers if you are open to learning. Children who go through divorce are the ones who know the lessons that will help parents grow into great parents. This can only happen if you both choose to work through your hurt, focus on healing, be united in raising your children and show respect for the other. Your children will be many steps ahead of everyone if they are able to learn to live in harmony and unity within a divided household. This is a lesson in learning to live in great mystery and paradox. Conflict is part of life. So live what you want to teach your children. Your children are trying to tell you that this is the lesson they want you to learn. This will reassure them that they are loved by both parents and are not the cause for what they had no control of.
I will leave you with a poem written by a young girl of divorced parents.
Grace
I Am Different by Jennifer – Age 12
(from the book: Broken Hearts…Healing: Young Poets Speak Out on Divorce by
Tom Worthen)
I would be different, they would be different, everything would be different.
We were all hurt, with our salty tears flooding the earth.
I would be different, they would be different, everything would be different.
The yelling was over, at least in person, but there were still the telephone wars.
What I would hear was, “No Allen”, Yes Susan”
When they were arguing about me or arguing about them.
I would be different, they would be different, everything would be different.
The boxes stacked up all over, seeing my toys gone, packed away in plain brown boxes.
I don’t know who packed those boxes, but I knew it took courage and a stiff upper lip.
I would be different, they would be different, everything would be different.
Would it ever end, of course it would, but when?
When would I feel free, feel free of all the conflict around me?
The fighting was like a knife, cutting through my heart, breaking everything I knew.
I would be different, they would be different, everything would be different.
I needed someone to talk to, but no one was in sight.
Everyone has their own problems, they don’t have to hear mine.
I would be different, they would be different, everything would be different.
The contradictions created a world around me filled with confusion and hurt feelings.
One parent would say yes the other would say no.
I am different, they are different, everything is different.
MissGuidedMom 