We have decided to timeshare the house until we sell it. We think it’s the best solution for the boys right now. Stability for children is so crucial to their development. They need to have a routine, be comfortable, secure in their surroundings, and know that they are unconditionally loved. Adam and I have not decided when we’re going to tell the boys about the divorce. I think we’re going to wait another month just until the holidays are over and that’s when we’ll officially begin timesharing the house.
For now, Adam has moved his belongings to the bedroom downstairs and I remain in our bedroom upstairs. We have agreed my bedroom is off limits, no crossing boundaries. I need my personal space when I’m home. I need a place to retreat and feel safe.
Adam is a wonderful father and I realize boys need their dads. I want Adam to have partial custody of the Jonathan and David. I struggle with this simply because I want to be with them everyday, kiss them, hug them, bathe them, do homework with them, say goodnight to them. I also realize how important it is for Adam to do the same. We decided to share custody. He will be with the boys every other week. I told him whenever he needs to work late or if he has an evening engagement, I want to have first right of refusal to take care of the boys. This arrangement saves him money and I get to spend more time with them.
Grace, even though I feel right in my head and heart about the decision I’ve made, I still am uncertain about the future. I don’t know what is to come and I’m scared. I don’t know truly how this betrayal has wounded me. I know the wound is fresh; I just don’t know how deep it is yet. I guess time will tell.
Guiding Lesson: Eve, first of all let me commend you for not allowing the betrayal to impact the decisions you are making related to what is best for your boys. It must be so painful to let go of being physically present to your sons’ everyday moments. This is a big change since they have been a part of you from the time you began carrying them in your womb and feeling them move until now.
However, it takes a very courageous, understanding and loving mother to realize the importance of giving her children the gift of having a relationship with both parents. Putting your hurt aside so that your children, who did not ask for this, continue to thrive and know how much they are loved demonstrates integrity, character and strength. Having said all this, does not reduce or minimize the ache that is present in your heart. And having been betrayed compounds and complicates the healing process. This is not a simple matter that will be resolved quickly. It will take time. But remember it’s not just time that will get you through it and heal your wounds, it is what you decide to do during this time that will allow the healing to begin.
Betrayal along with changing the living arrangements with your children is a major stressor. This will require tapping into resources, leaning on people you can trust, caring for yourself, praying and allowing God to carry you during this time and trusting that he will make “all things new” in his time. The wound may be deeper than you expect but you have nothing to fear because the journey of faith, commitment and trust in God has never failed anyone for thousands of years. God’s faithfulness, justice and compassion have never been able to be measured or surpassed.
Eve, it’s time to rest and trust so that we don’t get in the way of God’s wild imagination to take something that is so broken and wounded and turn it into something that leaves you in awe and filled with gratitude. God’s ways are not your ways. God’s thoughts are not your thoughts. They are indescribable, unimaginable and magnificent. And he has his heart set on YOU.