The Devil Made Me Do It

Grace, I didn’t listen to you. I actually closed my ears and my heart to the grace that was calling to me. I was selfish and just wanted to know the truth. I didn’t care of what the outcome would be or how I would make anyone else feel. I simply thought of myself and the hurt and the betrayal.

Adam came home the other night and when he laid in bed I picked up the phone and started dialing the woman’s phone number. When Adam asked me whom I was calling, I placed the woman on speaker and said, “Hello. It’s Adam and Eve.” Adam’s eyed widened as if he was seeing a ghost and his jaw dropped as well. He recognized her voice and just mouthed the words, “Oh my God.” He surrendered at that moment, not running to hide anymore, beneath the sheets and vulnerable. I asked her the same questions from the afternoon and she answered. I asked her what dates and where. She told me. I asked her if he wore a condom and she answered. I asked Adam if he had anything to say and he just shook his head. I told her that Adam said no. I thanked her for her time, for being honest with me and let her know I would not be calling her again.

She apologized to me and for doing this to my family, and I appreciated the gesture. I knew she was not to blame. Although she was a willing participant, ultimately, I believe the decision to act was Adam’s. If it were not her, it would be others as I had already confirmed. True, for an instance, I felt betrayed by other women, a sisterhood that only we understand, but I was not angry for their actions. I was not married to them; they were not held accountable to me; we did not share the responsibility of a family together.

I turned to Adam and asked him with finality, “Did you or did you not have sex with her?” He covered his eyes, shook his head in the affirmative and whispered, “Yes.” I could feel the stream of tears going down my cheeks. I was livid. Adam said that I could slap him. I said that I didn’t want to. I started asking him details of their encounters. Grace, I don’t know why I did and what was the purpose. I almost feel like another person overtook my soul, body and mind; a person I never ever wanted to meet; that person was my enemy. Then in a moment of rage, I started to hit his face and head and he quickly grabbed my wrists.

I pulled away and can remember another stream of tears going down my cheeks and this time I felt alone. I also remember feeling so remorseful for what had just happened. I apologized instantly and started crying loudly. Who was I? Who had I become in an instant? The devil had done his work and I let him. I felt horrible. How did I let the betrayal and hurt consume me so much? I’m not that person and never want to ever let that person in. Where was the grace in this situation? Can there ever be?

And still I wonder. Can I forgive him? Can I forget? Can we move forward? Can we make our marriage work? Will Adam do his part to repent? In this very moment, no glass of Merlot will do. The cup I need to fill is that of God’s grace. God, fill my cup of grace and let me forgive so that I may do what is your will, whatever that may be.

Guiding Lesson: Oh, Eve, I am so sorry that you have to go through so much hurt and pain. Your world has been turned upside down. Nothing makes sense anymore. You don’t even recognize your surroundings. Where are you?  How did you get here? What was once home and a refuge is now a hollow, empty place.

Given all this, your reaction was not selfish. Your bleeding heart is trying to make sense of it all, surviving the moment and needing to release all the internal anguish you are going through. How can you possibly judge yourself when you are not in a healthy state of mind?  Try not to critique your actions so harshly. You don’t deserve another person beating up on you. Your expectations of yourself are not in direct proportion of the situation. Give yourself permission to be human so that you can move through this dark time. Find something to hit and punch. Let it all out. Don’t let this eat you alive. Do whatever you need to do to be extra gentle and kind to yourself. You are not responsible for thinking about the other women and their feelings. You are the priority because your sons need their mother.

I know that this mess is bringing out part of you that you never knew existed or imagined lived within you. As you can see, there is so much to discover as you continue to experience different events in your life. Everything belongs including the not-so-wonderful feelings inside you. Don’t be afraid of them. They exist in all but lay dormant until woken up like a sleeping giant. Then they come to life like wild monsters raging to attack the one who has awaken them.

Don’t be afraid. They are not as scary as they appear and need you to befriend them. Don’t discard them. Allow them to teach you what you need to learn. Remember all emotions have message that they are carrying for us. We need to honor these feelings, good or bad, and listen to what they are inviting you to realize about yourself.

Your rage and reaction is telling you about a great injustice that has taken place and you are the focal point. Who is standing up for you but your feelings?  Let them as long as they don’t hurt anyone physically. Provide them a safe place to express who they are, what they need from you and what healing is necessary to move forward.

Remember you are more than your feelings. Don’t be ashamed. They will be enraged and come out stronger. Learn to work with them because they will lead you to a deeper truth about you.

The first woman you need to forgive is you, Eve, for trying to betray your own internal truth and not fully embrace the entire child of God. This is God’s will: to see your preciousness even in your worst moments. He is there, loving you through it. Don’t push him away by judging, critiquing or being so hard on yourself.

Take a breath. Relax. Focus on healing and getting through the day. This all you need to do and let God do the rest.

Grace