Get Real and Face the Fear: The Women in Our Marriage

Grace, I’m taking your advice and getting real with the infidelity. I’m having a heart to heart conversation with Adam, but first I’m going to do something I’ve been wanting to do. I have six phone numbers that have been coming up frequently on the cell phone bill as calls made to or from Adam along with text messages. I’m facing the fear straight on and calling these phone numbers and I know women will be answering on the other end.

I don’t know what intention I have for doing that besides fueling myself for what I believe is probably the inevitable–to get angrier for what Adam has done for me. As if the infidelity isn’t enough, I still need to hear their voices. What do they sound like? What will they say? How will I react? What will I say? Who are they? Will they hang up on me? Here I go…

“Hello,” answers woman number one.

“Hi, I’m Adam’s wife and want to know how many times did you see my husband for pleasure?” Did I just say that out loud? And my tone is calm. Why? Why aren’t I pissed off?

“Excuse me?”

“I’m Adam’s wife and want to know how many times did you see my husband for pleasure?”

“I think that’s a question for Adam,” answers woman number one.

“He’s not telling me and I would think as a woman to another woman, you would give me the courtesy of telling me yourself,” I say. There’s a silence. “Hello?” I say to break the silence.

“I saw him once at a coffee shop.”

“Did you hold hands or kiss?”

“He held my hand when we walked out of the coffee shop and kissed me on the cheek.”

“Did you have sex?”

Except for the sound of my heart pounding, there was silence.

“No.”

I feel a shock in my heart. I know she’s lying so why bother anymore. “Thank you.” I hung up. Thank you. Did I actually say Thank you? Am I crazy or what?

I dial woman number two’s phone number.

“Hello,” answers woman number two.

“Hi, I’m Adam’s wife and want to know how many times did you see my husband for pleasure?” I’m still calm and can’t understand why.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m Adam’s wife and want to know how many times did you see my husband for pleasure?”

“I think that’s a question for Adam,” answers woman number two. I’m starting to sense a pattern.

“He’s not telling me and I would think as a woman to another woman, you would give me the courtesy of telling me yourself,” I say.

“You should really talk to Adam.” Woman number two hangs up.

Bitch. Okay, I’m really getting pissed off now, but I can’t let them know it.

I dial woman number three’s phone number.

“Hello,” answers woman number three.

“Hi, I’m Adam’s wife and want to know how many times did you see my husband for pleasure?” Silence. I repeat myself. “How many times did you see Adam for pleasure?”

“You need to ask Adam,” answers woman number three.

“He’s not telling me and I would think as a woman to another woman, you would give me the courtesy of telling me yourself,” I say. There’s a silence. “Hello?” I say to break the silence.

“I can’t help you.” She hangs up. What? She hung up on me. What the hell is going on here? They are the other women. I AM THE WIFE! GIVE ME THE DAMN COURTESY OF BEING HONEST!

I dial woman number four and five’s phone numbers. The same response. No one wants to admit to anything. They want to play, but not take responsibility for the damage it causes to families.

I dial the last number I have, woman number six’s phone number.

“Hello,” answers woman number six.

“Hi, I’m Adam’s wife and want to know how many times did you see my husband for pleasure?”

“You need to ask Adam yourself,” answers woman number six.

“He’s not telling me and I would think as a woman to another woman, you would give me the courtesy of telling me yourself,” I say just like I’ve been saying to the others. She sighs.

“Three times,” woman number six says.

Wow! Three times. I’m shocked and stay silent for what seems like forever. I quickly recover.

“Did you have sex?” I ask.

“You really should be talking to Adam.”

“If he would answer my questions, I would. He’s just not telling me and I want the truth. That’s all I want. If you were married and had this happen to you, you would want to know,” I say.

“I have been in your shoes. And I am married,” woman number six says. I am shocked. How could she then? How could she do this to another woman? I stay composed.

“Well, then, did you have sex?”

“Yes.”

“How many times?”

“Three times.”

“What were the dates and where?”

“You know, I would feel better if we had Adam on the phone,” she says.

“You know what, that’s a great idea,” I say. “He gets home by nine o’clock today and I’ll call you shortly after.” We hang up.

Guiding Lesson: Eve, I am so glad you are ready to confront Adam and face the truth.  This is tough but unfortunately this is the only place to start to figure out the next steps in your marriage.  I admire your resolve to do this.  It takes great courage and you need to be ready for an emotional roller coaster ride.

Now about contacting all the potential women, I probably would not have suggested that particular move before thinking this through because I don’t know if there is anything healing in doing this.  I hope you did get something out of it instead of unnecessary pain that may linger in your mind.

Regardless, I was stunned to see that there were six women. I cannot imagine what you were going through when you actually heard each of their voices.  I could and still can feel your heart pounding, your pulse racing and your breath getting shallow.  Breathe, Eve.  Don’t forget what happened the last time.  Take a deep breath.

I know you are replaying the phone conversations and are beside yourself with their unwillingness to talk.  Your questions were valid, but unable to get the response that would soothe your bleeding heart.  This could only happen if the other women valued and lived with compassion, integrity and had a strong sense of self.  If they did have this, you would not be calling them because they would not have engaged in this behavior.  Please keep this in mind if you do call the last woman back.  Remember, one’s choices and actions are in direct proportion to their sense of worth, value, hurts and brokenness.

Well, the hide-n-seek game is over.  They were caught and nobody won. There is no home base to run to and seek refuge.  You didn’t even know that you were playing this game.  And you certainly would never have chosen the role they put you in.

So where do you go from here? Well, before Adam comes home, try to breathe, take a walk, write down all your emotions or punch some pillows.  This is only the beginning of the healing process.  I will stay close to you and provide you as much grace as you are willing to tap into to.  I promise that if you continue to tap into grace, I, Grace, will see you through.

Your Guiding Grace Within