Has it really been a year that Adam and I have not been fully present to each other on any intimate level? Yes! Now do you know why I was so excited, Grace? Whoohoo! I get to feel Adam again and release some stress, which he is definitely giving me plenty of so why shouldn’t he release it for me? It was just like when we were engaged. We would have a great time together. Except this time, in the back of my mind, I wondered what exactly has Adam done with these other women?
I know he’s done some inappropriate things online and while texting (I can only imagine), seems like emotional affairs to me. My friends think I’m naïve to not think that Adam has done more. They say he’s probably had sex and I just don’t want to believe that. How do I find out for certain? He denied it when I asked him. And I want to believe him, but there’s something inside of me that just doesn’t seem settled.
Each time he goes to work and leaves the home, I cringe. My stomach begins to turn around and make flips. I get a terrible nauseous feeling. I’ve stopped eating. I drink coffee in the morning, can’t eat during the day, and come home and eat brie cheese and crackers with a glass of Merlot and then I pour another.
Wait, wait just one minute! Grace, do you see what I see? He just got a call earlier today from a familiar number. Now who was that? Yes, I remember it was one of the women. Quickly, I dial Adam’s number and I don’t care if he’s working, I’m going to get to the bottom of this.
“Yeah?” Adam questions.
“I saw one of them call you today.”
Adam says, “It was nothing.”
“What do you mean it was nothing?” I probe.
“She just got in a fight with her boyfriend.”
Does he think I’m stupid? Really? “And she had to call you about it? Do you realize what you’re doing to me? Do you realize that I can’t breathe right now? Oh my God, I think I’m getting a panic attack. What’s a panic attack?”
“It’s when you feel you shortness of breath, have difficulty breathing, your heart is pounding or you have rapid heart beats, you feel light-headed. There’s more, Eve.”
“Yes, I’m having a panic attack.”
“Okay, calm down. Cup your hands around your mouth or get a brown paper bag and breath in and out,” Adam says. “Eve, I think you need to go see someone about this. You really need to get through this with someone’s help who might need to prescribe some medicine for the anxiety. And while you’re there you may ask them to give you some sleeping pills because I know you’re not sleeping and you need your rest.”
“I have to go.” Me? Me? Me get help and get medication? I have NEVER needed medication. Okay, counseling, maybe. I feel like I can’t breath anymore, Grace. I have to go and get a brown paper bag.
Guiding Lesson: Yes, by all means, go and take care of yourself, Eve. It’s time to focus on you. Go ahead, take some deep breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Continue this until you feel some sense of normalcy. You will know this because you will not feel lightheaded anymore and your heart will not be racing. Ok, you are almost there. Take a couple more deep breaths and now let go of the bag. You did it. Yes, you did it. You took care of yourself.
This is not, by any means, over. I am going to teach you a breathing meditation so you can practice whenever you need to. So go to a comfortable place, light a candle, and lie down.
Start by paying attention to your breath. Breathe in and breathe out. Continue doing this. Let your mind relax. When you notice your mind drifting, let your breath take you back to this safe place. Focus on the present. No need to go beyond the moment, for the moment is perfect. Listen to the silence. There is healing around you. There are gifts waiting for you. Continue to breathe.
Now let’s start with the top of your head. Relax. Let your worries disappear. Release all concerns. Make room to receive mental clarity.
As you move to your eyes, let go of all that is blurry, that clouds your vision. Receive the eyes of God. Continue breathing, in and out and with each breath, you experience a deeper relaxation.
Focus on your ears, let go of all internal and external noises. Receive sacred silence.
Now focus on the smells in the room. Let go of all that stinks and receive the fragrance of God.
Continue to relax your face, your jaw, your mouth. Breathe in and Breathe out.
As you move to your neck, release all the heavy burdens, the aches and pains. Be open to receive support, stability and strength.
Now move down your arms. Release all false securities. Embrace the guaranteed love of God. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Now focus on the open and raw wound, your heart. Let go of the hurt, anger, resentment, betrayal that your heart has experienced. Just for this moment, let go. Receive the healing love of God that is being poured in your heart. Feel the warmth. Feel the comfort. Feel the love.
Continue to breathe. Move towards your stomach. Let go of all false hungers. Let God feed you as a mother feeds her hungry child with nourishing food.
Continue to relax and breathe into your legs. Let go of any obstacles that prevent you from walking your truth. See the illuminated path that is filled with many blessings.
Finally, as you breathe into your entire body, focus on your inner being. The place that knows who you are and who you are created to be. Let go of anything that binds your soul. Receive wings to soar and feel free to live a magnificent life. It is your destiny.
Take three more deep breaths. Come back to your room. Listen to the sounds around you. When you are ready, open your eyes and give thanks for this experience. Remember to breathe. Remember to be. Remember, I’m here.
Eve, I’m feeling your pain and hope this helps (not that you have done anything wrong). Most people that have had this type of adversity in their lives don’t know how to deal with it. There’s only one way to handle adversity… “Whatever gives you Peace.” In your opening paragraph you mention “it was just like when we were engaged.” However, you then say, “Except this time…” This implies that he was unfaithful, you addressed it and you have forgiven. In reallity you confronted him, discussed some issues but left some unfinished business. As Garth Brooks sang, “We bury the hatchet but leave the handle sticking out.” You don’t really care or want to know what he did with the other woman/women. In order to get Peace, you must know what you really want. Another thing that you mentioned is your “My friends…” First of all, your concerns are based on facts “I know he’s done some inapproprate things online and while texting…”. To you this is unacceptable, address this concern and don’t read anything else into it. Your friends are only putting thoughts in your head. They could be right but your issue should be on factual events that concern you and your partner. Once you go into the assumptions and speculations you have left reallity and then instead of enjoying “the present” you introduce thoughts of “I wondered what exactly has Adam done with these other women?” Again, a question you really don’t want the answer to. You are not naive, you just have knowledge based on facts and that is what you need to put to rest, otherwise everytime he walks out the door, or receives a text, or some other type of communication you are going to question it and that would drive any person to drink or worse (neglect themselves). Find your inner strength (who you truly are), your outer strength (your children), embrace them as your foundation and build your life. If Adam doesn’t Respect those blessing from God then he will have to answer to the ultimate power. Our lives are a Gift from God, how we live our lives are our Gift back to Him. Walk a higher path.
This is Grace. Thank you so much for taking the time to provide Eve, your thoughts and suggestions. You are absolutely right that she needs to find and use her inner strength & her outer strength as her foundation to build a new life. Your words are filled with a lot of wisdom that everyone can use.
As we all know, our journeys or situations that we encounter, good or bad, is also a gift. It takes time to unwrap. Some rip open their situation with great rage & lose the pearls of wisdom for they are too eager to actual allow themselves to feel the pain. Others, don’t even want to acknowledge that there is a problem and ignore the package in front of their eyes. However, they continue to stumble over it but don’t know what is causing them to stumble. These people tend to lead lives that are more superficial. Then you have some who want to address the situation and know the package is before them, but haven’t learned the skills or have the tools to take the steps. There are tender souls that have been wounded. Their emotions consume them so they need to take it slow. Sometime they may regress but are committed to the journey and unwrap the situation in their own time. And then there are those that are old souls, who are filled with wisdom because they have struggled and learned the skills & tools to unwrap their pain that is bitter and hard to swallow.
It would be great if everyone had the skills, the tools and the know-how to unwrap their situation correctly and within a quick timeframe. However, these events in our lives are here to wake us up. There is not a timeline. What matters most is the commitment, dedication and the attitude one enters into the conversation with their pain. It will vary from person to person. If it is rushed, there will be unresolved pain that will seep out into the world. Matters of the heart take time. If not, the same situation will reoccur in the next relationship. Leaning into our pain is the answer to the problem. The tears are necessary to help us see clearly. It is a grieving time that as you know is not the same for everyone nor is it popular in our culture. The head answer that has all the facts is not enough if the heart is not ready to join in. If it is still wounded, it will not move forwarded.
I know it must be frustrating for someone who is wise and filled with great clarity to see & know what needs to get done. Eve will get there. She will get there in her time. If she short-changes her process, it may impact her future in other ways. It’s like a child who needs to be held, until they can crawl, until they can walk, until they can run, until they are free. The solution is not the goal, it is what she does in her journey that will bring about graces that she would have never experienced without it.
Thank you for caring and sharing your words of great wisdom.
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