Reflecting on my love for Merlot and how much I savored its abundant flavors in my mouth, I realized I didn’t do the same for Adam’s love. As Grace, my Guardian Angel, said “Imagine allowing yourself to taste, see, touch and smell the love that is waiting for you.” Maybe she was right; I didn’t allow to taste, see, touch and smell the love Adam truly had for me. Maybe I didn’t fully open up emotionally and become vulnerable in his hands. I was so young when I got married, a year after finishing my undergraduate degree.
At that age, what do we know about Love? I was infatuated with him. We had great chemistry together, having endless hours of phone conversations, and enjoying each other’s company. How much can you really love a person and know you’re going to marry them in six short months? As I sit here, I ask myself, what did we do to pass the time when we were together? We had a sexual relationship with great phone conversations. That is not love.
Again, I was blinded by what I believed was love—the attention he gave me, the physical connection we had, his handsome features, his intellect, and his compassion for others. Grace, you say the eyes are the windows to your soul. I looked at him and didn’t see a profound love for him, for me, for us. I thought the overwhelming infatuation I had for Adam was true love. I perceived infatuation to be love when I married him. When I think back, I was still maturing, developing as a young woman, trying to find myself. You could say the windows were shut to my soul because I did not open them myself. I didn’t know what was inside my soul truly…and still don’t.
Nonetheless, the “honeymoon” did last for about a year. We enjoyed getting up Sunday mornings, going to the local coffee shop and reading the morning’s newspaper or a book. We took time to dine at restaurants and listen to performers at hole-in-the-wall coffee shops. And, of course, we had wine memberships, wine bottles delivered at our doorstep. Merlot always did come through!
Guiding Lesson: Merlot! Merlot! Merlot! Eve, I have to admit it Merlot is a fun word to say. The trill of the “r” and the silent, but necessary “t” makes the word even more seductive. How does it feel to say “Adam?” Is it as fun and does it give you butterflies in your stomach? I know it did when you first met. But were you seeing through the eyes of Merlot or the eyes of your soul?
Getting lost in the abundant flavors makes everything in life seem better even if it is not truth and just superficial. Going deep and becoming vulnerable requires risking to be loved for who you really are which I know is very scary to you. You will need to take off the mask that you have used over the years. I know you believe you needed it to fit into the world, but when you are looking for love, only your true self will recognize true love.
Love is truth. If you are not living a life of truth, aligned to your soul’s true essence, you will be lured by false and contradictory desires. The mask prevents you from seeing the full person and makes it really difficult to let true love in. So you end up choosing someone through your mask and he chose you through his mask. Your mask defined what love is (infatuation you felt, attention you received, physical connected, outward appearance, etc). However, there is an alternative to this, which is to take off your mask and risk being your true self and living YOUR life fully. How does this make you feel?
I know it might be scary and foreign territory. This is why I am here, to introduce you to “You.” Reflecting and opening your eyes slowly to the reality of the truth is a great start. This is very exciting though the feelings are not quite comfortable or pleasant.
So what do you feel now when you realize that Adam cannot compare to your dependable Merlot? Your wine membership seems to be much more savory and fulfilling than your marriage membership. How does this make you feel? Are you at a point to place Merlot in the right place in your life so you can continue to explore your inner soul? There are gifts waiting for you to discover and help you see more clearly who you are, who Adam is and what you both have tried to build a foundation on. Does this sound like something you are ready to explore? Here, take my hand.
MissGuidedMom 