I was blind when I said my vows, literally. I didn’t want to wear my glasses so instead I tried putting contact lenses on the day before the BIG day, but just couldn’t get those little suckers on. I was impatient, nervous and jittery about putting anything on my eye. Instead I walked blindly down the aisle on my wedding day with the help of my dad, of course, and couldn’t see Adam until I approached him. Or was it when my veil was lifted above my head? Details. Lack of glasses or contact lenses, veil distortions, it’s all the same thing—blinded by something that I lacked or put in front of me.
I didn’t have perfect vision, no 20/20 eyesight. But who does, right? Who ever sees anything so perfectly? At that time, Adam was perfect: tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, funny, philosophical, adventurous, and spontaneous. He was everything I wanted. I should know. I knew instantly I was going to marry him. After one month of dating, I just knew he was it. We had a short courtship, only six months, and then we became engaged. Our engagement was only one year and we soon married. And that brings me back to our wedding day.
We were caught up on the day’s itinerary that we forgot to savor our wedding meal. We enjoyed the evening with our family, our friends and each other. We had fun dancing, coming home and counting the money from the dollar dance. We asked each other where we wanted to go on our honeymoon. We didn’t have money to plan one so we relied on the money dance to treat ourselves to a few getaway days. Off to Napa it was! And a new love blossomed—oh, not with Adam—but with Merlot!
Guiding Lesson: Oh, my dear Eve! I know how much you love your Merlot. You and Merlot are two peas in a pod. Like Merlot you tend to move quicker even if the situations or people are truly not ripe for harvest. It really didn’t matter if you could have seen clearly or not on your wedding day because like Merlot, your drive can’t be contained easily. So, of course, your relationship with Merlot blossomed. Was there anyone else who was as ripe and ready for life as you were that day? We don’t build a relationship with things by accident. Our Spirit knows what we are lacking and we then try to fill it with something that never really quenches our thirst. So Eve, what are you thirsting for? What would happen if you were to slow down, truly see clearly and savor the life around you?
Who would have thought? I was clueless until it hit me like a ton of bricks. Now that hurts.
So this is how it feels to be abandoned emotionally. I’m sitting up at 2:00 a.m. for the second night in a row because I can’t go back to sleep. Thoughts race through my mind as I view Adam’s social networking page and see what is happening right in front of me. He is flirting with two women on his page. He has no idea that I can view what he posts on someone else’s page and vice versa. He should stick to what he knows: taking vital signs in the clinic, not virtually.
I have been through so much with this man. My head is spinning. Immediately, I want to file for divorce, yet my heart does its magic of doing what it can to stay intact. Adam’s escaping from a home that he made with two children and me. I thought everything was fine. Yes, we’ve had our ups and downs just like any married couple. I supported him through medical school and his residency program so he could fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a physician. I set aside my dreams to help him realize his. The children came into our lives and we focused on them and forgot about each other. I was content and oblivious to anything different in our lives. Now I need to find out, why?
Guiding Lesson: So why do women give up their entire being to nurture the people in their lives? They give, give, until there is nothing left. They go through the motions not realizing that their Spirit has died. It’s like seeing a vase break in slow motion and ignoring that it broke. However, each step you take continues to cut deeper and cause wounds from the broken glass (the reality) you refuse to see and clean up off the floor. Don’t you believe you deserve to live life to the fullest? Don’t you believe you were created for joy? You don’t have to be strong. You just need to wake up and find the support you need to create a life filled with abundant love. This will not only allow you to soar and be the woman you are created to be, but will also inspire your children to have the courage to face the truth/the reality of life and not be afraid of it. Remember, courage is fear that said its prayers and chooses to believe that truth will lead to joy. You are created for JOY! Believe, have faith and now go and live each moment with eyes wide open for it is in this state that you will be able to receive the blessings and graces that were always meant to be yours.
Tired, exhausted and only midday, I stood in line at the supermarket and looked straight at the flaming hot chips. My mouth watered and my eyes widened when I saw them so I snatched them and set them down for the cashier to scan them. That’s so weird, I thought.
I don’t even like spicy foods. With chips and a magazine in my hand, I went to the beach to meet friends. As we chatted, laid out, read, and munched on our snacks, I suddenly realized why I was extremely tired and craving an odd snack. I was pregnant! So this is what it felt like. Smiling on the outside and elated in the inside, I was about to confirm my suspicion.
After six years of marriage and carefully planning our future, Adam and I were finally pregnant. We had discussed that the time was right and we timed our “efforts” so our birth would occur during the end of his third year of medical school. I just can’t believe it happened at the first try, which is why I am truly shocked. I am so fertile. Can’t wait to tell Adam!
It is not the physical act of love-making that creates life. The seeds of life are planted before we even begin to plan for it or act upon it. The ground becomes fertile when we share our souls and entrust another to hold and carry our heart in their heart. This mystery is what we call LOVE. If you planted your heart, what would it grow? Who do you give your heart to? Can they be trusted with the most precious gift you have to offer? Does this openness enhance your life and help bear fruit (i.e. joy, laughter, peace, gratitude) or does it hurt and destroy your soul?
Dressed in a white bridal gown, I remember sitting on a bench minutes before I walked down the aisle. I must have had a look in my eyes of innocence, the unknown, a bit of fear, nervousness, enough to alert my father. Standing in front of me, he looked down at me with my mother at his side, and said, “Come on. We’ll leave everyone and go to Vegas, just you, your mom and me. What do you say?” I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I just knew I was going to marry Adam. I had a feeling in my gut, my heart longed to be with him forever.
I didn’t know exactly why my dad said that to me back then, but today, as I write this, I am grateful for him to have given me that opportunity to just walk away from what could have been the biggest mistake in my life. And he didn’t care what the cost would have been. Money didn’t matter. What mattered most was that I was doing what I wanted to do, what felt right for me, and that meant leaving everything behind.
A part of me died that day, an identity of self, who I thought I was, wanted to be in life, what defined me. My journey with Adam was about to begin and at that very moment, I thought it was going to be “happily ever after.”
Guiding Lesson: You can make choices in your life that don’t have to compromise who you are. You just need to know who you are before you make the choices that fit best in your life. What is your truth? Are you living it? What or who prevents you from being you? What or who supports it? Find it, embrace it, unfold it, and live it out loud.