Setting New Boundaries and Roles During Divorce

Adam’s not picking up the phone. I dial a few more times and finally he picks up.

“What?” he replies.

“What? Are you kidding me? How could you leave her at our house and, to top it off, in my bedroom? Did you forget our agreement? My room is off limits.”

“What’s the big deal? You weren’t home and we needed to use the Internet. Your room has the best reception.”

Ha! My room has “the best reception,” among other things ready to receive.

“This is the first and last time that’s going to happen. Do you understand? You need to give me the courtesy of respecting my things in my own room and give me my privacy.”

I hung up. I frantically google our Internet provider.

“Hello, how may I help you?” the representative asked.

“I’d like to cancel our Internet service.”

Reception is still going to be good here and anywhere else so I rather not pay for it either. I’ll just get a wireless card for myself. Who cares what the attorney says? I don’t need this bill and it’s not pertinent to our household expenses. Adam can use the Internet at his work or her house, but not at my expense…not any more.

Guiding Lesson:

Eve, I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. If you don’t, who will?  



I see what’s happening. It’s new territory for you and Adam. This new space has not yet been defined. It’s a little chaotic and very unsettling. What are your new roles?  How are you going to relate to one another?  What expectations do you both have of each other?  Are these expectations realistic in your new roles?  What boundaries are acceptable for both of you?  It’s a new beginning.  And you are not eager to start. In fact, you did not plan this in the first place and were blindsided. 



This is going to be challenging.  Get ready for the ride and pay attention to your actions and communication style with Adam. It is so easy to get caught up in the eye of the hurricane if you are not aware.  Be mindful of what’s best for the children who don’t have a say. Be clear. Set boundaries and communicate them. Be willing to laugh and know this phase will not last forever. 



So let me leave you with a quote. 



“There are no winners in divorce, only shipwrecked hearts looking for a way back home to themselves.”



Eve, continue to establish a new way of interacting with Adam, remember your children who never asked for this and don’t take anything too seriously. It’s just learning to play a new role. Does your new role need a glass of Merlot?



Love always,
Grace